The Heart and Soul of Avein Geleen

2004-01-30T01:00:00.000+08:00

My Thoughts

On Loving a Les Mom

I love A, my first love. It's always been like that. Though we separated ways for 11 years, being reunited with her for the second time made my life so beautiful -- and meaningful. She is the reason for my being. She is the reason why I managed to stay alive. She is my life.

But it isn't that simple. She is married, with a two year old kid. And she lives with them. I know a lot of eyebrows will raise, a lot of tongues will start talking, but getting affected is the last thing on my mind. I am responsible for my actions. I choose to be, so let me be. Being a lesbian is hard, loving a les mom is twice as hard. But I can bear it, and I accept it. It is my choice. And it is mine alone to make and to bear.

Call it sado-masochism, but I've been with her family, spent weekends with them and even slept in their house. I listened to her Mom's stories on how A and her husband planned their marriage for almost a year. I am her ever loyal "bestfriend" whenever I am with her family. Gasgas na linya, but I know most of us use that term. Specially for those who aren't OUT.

I love the kid, I play with him whenever we're together. And he is fond of me too. He often calls me on the phone to tell me "Uwi ka na!" and it melts my heart. How I wish I could go home that very moment to be with him. Cuddle him and play, tell him stories. How I wish I could tell him about us, his Mom and I. But I can't. It is not yet time, his mind is too young to understand that.

I befriended her husband, we talk. We even have the same interests. Sometimes I can see myself in him -- his traits -- loving, thoughtful, silent type. He's very kind. Wala akong maireklamo. He loves A very much. But I can't forget the line A told me: "Humanap lang ako ng male version mo."

Male version ko. I don't know what to say that time, I hated myself for leaving her, only to realize that it is she that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I was not ready to face the world then -- that was 11 years ago. I was 16, she was 18. And now, when we finally met a few months back, the old flame of love have been rekindled. It ignited like a wild fire. We can no longer fight it. The harder we try, the more it burst into flames.

I know how much A loves me, I don't doubt her love for me. I already know my place in her heart. I don't have to ask her to prove it to me. But it hurts me to know that she comes home not to me, but to her family. It pains me to see her with her husband. Being in the same house, being together. Although I know in my heart, that he can never have her love back, mahirap pa rin eh, masakit. I don't know if you understand what I am going through, most of you will probably say, "Bakit kasi may asawa ang minahal mo?" To which I will reply, "Natuturuan ba ang puso?" There are things in this world that happens for a reason, and our love happened for a reason. It is here, because we are being kept alive by this love. Despite the hardships. despite the pains.

For A, I will bear even the most excruciating pain. I will give up my life just to see her smile, just to see her happy. No matter what other people say, I choose to love her. I accept everything that she is, everything that she has.

I love you Mahal. Always have, always will. To infinity and beyond.

2004-01-29T16:55:00.000+08:00

Sand in the Palm of my Hand
I'm no expert in relationships. That is why I wonder why people come to me to ask for advice. It's not that I am complaining. In fact, I do enjoy listening to other people when they pour out their heartaches. I remember most of my friends telling me that I should've pursued a degree in psychology and become a therapist. I just shrug it off and smile whenever I hear comments like that. At one point in time, I did consider taking up psychology. But I chickened out when I saw that the curriculum included Math 11 and 14 plus Statistics. I really do fear Math, you know. So, I took Sociology and Philippine Literature instead. Thus, you can see the strands of those two disciplines with the way I write.

I believe that the writer cannot be separated from her social milieu. I, for one thing, write stories and poems that I have actually experienced. A glimpse of the environment that I am in is reflected in my stories.

Just this moment, I came across a quotation which compared a relationship to a sand held in our hand. It says that if we held it loosely in an open hand, it stays where it is. But the minute we close our hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand cascades through our fingers. We may still have bits and pieces of the sand in our hand but most of it will be thrown.

It made me think real hard. In an instant, it made me think about my present relationship. Have I been holding the sand in my hand too tightly that it nearly cascaded through my fingers without me even noticing it? Yes, I have. Specially when the pangs of loneliness and insecurity creeps the hell out of me.

Funny, I have long been telling friends not to hold the sand too tightly for they might lose everything that is left in the palm of their hands. But I, too, am guilty of the one thing I preach them not to do. Sigh, suffice it to say that when the time comes that we let our old habits control us, when we are not aware of our feelings and the root cause of all those fears, we are lost. We succumbed to our weaknesses, let doubts and all those negative feelings overpower us. That is when the sand in our hand truly cascades until we no longer have a bit of it in the palm of our hand.

I definitely do not want it to happen to me. Not with the one person I love most in my life.

So, I will always be aware that a relationship is like a sand held in my hand. In Kaleel Jamison's words:

"Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."

2004-01-28T16:59:00.000+08:00

When Gilead found Stuffy Muffy
I've started to read my morning devotions. At first, I just read through the lines without even bothering to understand the real meaning behind the verses and the supplementary readings. It was something I did just for the sake of reading the message sent by our personnel officer every morning through winpopup. I said what the heck? Theres nothing to lose if I read those stuff anyway. So, every morning, before I start the day at work I would read those simple messages. Most of them simple stories and daily reflections of ordinary people about life in general, and of their increasing and renewed faith in God.
And of the morning devotions I read in the past weeks, the story of Gilead and Stuffy Muffy found its way right into my heart. They were both cats with opposing attitudes. Gilead is the caring type, the one who brought inspiration to his owner. He gave meaning to his owners life after a downfall. Stuffy Muffy on the other hand is the tough guy kind of cat. He never shows any affection to his owner. More of like the grouchy type. More like me. Yet it took only a continuous love from his owner to change Stuffy Muffy's attitude.

I never felt close to God. Not after my bitter experience in 1995 with an Opus Dei priest. But thats another story. Suffice it is to say that I have been a floating Christian for the past 6 years. I never went to church although I did not abandon the belief that there is a God somewhere out there. I just didn't feel right to step into the church and be a critical hypocrite while attending the Sunday Mass. And so, by choice I stopped going to church since February of 1995. My parents were surprised by the sudden change. I know they thought that my being in the premiere state university for almost five years prompted this change of heart. But they never questioned my decision. They just kept on reminding me that a relationship with the Lord is still the best thing for me to course through lifes hardships and pains. And I would only smile back at them and tell them, I know. I just need to find myself.

And I did. Two years ago, somewhere in the middle of the road, a light shone on me in the presence of Aileen. She took my hand and led me into the light without even trying. I felt something special, more like a mystical connection whenever I am with her. Ten years is a long time. We've not seen each other within that span of time yet somehow she managed to connect to me. And came to me at the most crucial part of my life when I was actually contemplating on taking my life back. For I felt that I had no purpose and meaning to continue my life. And so, I felt it was only just to take it and give it back to the one who gave it to me to God. Aileen told me that she felt that she needed to see me, for she had series of dreams of me, although I didn't say anything in her dreams she felt bothered. I would just pop out in the scene and smile at her. At times, I would just lean on her shoulders. I dont know what is it or how its done, but we have that special connection.

Having her back in my life is one of the best gifts that I ever received from God. I never thought He would give her back to me. Not after I left her in the dark ten years ago. God works in mysterious ways, I know He does. For how can you explain the forgiveness I received from the person I hurt most? I never felt so loved until she came along.

I thank God for giving me Aileen. For finding Stuffy Muffy and teaching her how to cudle and care. Yes, Aileen is my Gilead.

2004-01-27T17:09:00.000+08:00

Weekends and LDR's
Weekends used to be the happiest day of my life. For I get to spend two whole days with my Mahal. But since she emigrated to the USA in November of last year, I dreaded the coming of weekends. There was a time when I would cry and think about the times we spent together, wishing and hoping that I was just in the middle of a dream and by the time I wake up, she would be by my side. But months passed and still, there was no Mahal on my side. I became used to just hearing her voice, reading her emails and stories sent through snail mail. And recently, through text messaging. That wonderful innovation brought about by the GSM technology.

I never knew how hard it was to be away from somebody you love until she left for another country.

I tried to divert my attention by writing poems, listening to music and watching TV. But everytime I get to recall our times together, the songs we listened to and TV programs we watched, it still pains me. And most of the time, it makes me cry.

For a year, we spent days and nights together. And it is hard adjusting to the kind of life that I am in right now, away from the love of my life. Literally, we were oceans apart. She's in the USA, I am in the Philippines.

And it finally dawned on me, I am in a long distance relationship. And I will do everything that I can to keep the relationship going. Because I love her. And I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I was watching 7th Heaven last weekend. The funny thing was, they were actually tackling Mary and Robbie's long distance relationship. Mary was in Buffalo, Robbie was in Glenoak. That's 3000 miles away. What a small distance compared to me and my Mahal! Yet they encounter problems that puts their relationship to the test. Mary bumped into an old boyfriend in Buffalo and harbored the thought of going out with him. She calls her family and asked them if she should tell Robbie about it. To which the whole family said YES! Long distance relationships are very tricky and complete honesty should be practiced at all times to make the relationship work, the whole family reasoned this out. But Mary doesn't think it was a good idea. She thinks it wouldn't hurt Robbie if she goes out with her old boyfriend. But still, due to her family's prodding, she called Robbie. While on the phone, even before she said a word, Robbie got excited telling her that he bumped into a lady at the basketball court who looks exactly like Mary, and who loves doing the things Mary does. And her name's Marie! Mary used this chance to pick a fight with Robbie and hung up the phone on him. To which, as the story progressed, turned out to be Mary's way of washing away her guilt for wanting to go out with her old boyfriend. Which she actually did right after she hung up the phone and left Robbie on the other line, confused.

It just occurred to me, people at times act on their emotions without even thinking what the consequences of their actions would be. At the spur of the moment, one's anger, hurt, and despair can be turned into something that will change their lives forever. Call it plain stubborness, an act to despise the other person, or revenge, the truth of the matter is we sometimes find some reason to justify our actions so as not to make us feel the guilt. We do this not because we love our significant others' less, but we sometimes tend to test the other person's love for us. How far would she go to accept your flaws? Will she fight back if you provoke her? How deep is her love for you? There are a lot of reasons why people do this to the ones they love. What if she does not fight back? Does that mean she doesn't love you? Does that make you feel that she doesn't care? Ask yourselves.

And so back to 7th Heaven, Robbie told Marie that much as he wanted to stay friends with her, he doesn't want to jeopardize his relationship with Mary. A very tough act huh? But she loves Mary so much and he doesn't want anything to come in their way, specially when they are 3000 miles apart. Whew! What a guy! I admire him.

As for Mary, oh well, I guess I have to watch 7th Heaven's episode on Saturday. Last week's episode ended with Robbie confronting Mary about her going out with her old boyfriend without even telling him.

Keeping a long distance relationship entails complete trust and honesty. Yeah, that episode reminded me that. Oh yeah, and another thing. Much to my surprise, I don't dread the thought of the weekend coming anymore. And that's because of the Camden's. True enough, 7th Heaven made me want weekends to come.

2004-01-26T23:25:00.000+08:00

Aileen

Dahil sa iyo
natuto akong
maglaro
ng mga salita
sa isang paraang
matalinhaga.

Umibig ako sa iyo
kung kaya
ako'y nakalikha
ng mga tula
sa pamamagitan
ng paglalaro
ng mga salita.

Subalit ika'y wala na
sa aking piling
at tapos na
ang lahat sa atin.

Patuloy pa rin ako
sa paglalaro
nga mga salita,
sa paglikha
ng mga tula.

Subalit ngayon
ang mga tula
ko'y hindi na
ukol sa iyo.

Natutunan ko na
ang lumikha ng tula
para sa iba,
para sa kanila
na hindi ko
nabigyan ng pagkakataon.

Ngunit bakit ganito
ang aking nadarama
may lungkot pa rin
sa aking mga mata.

Tahimik kong
pinakikinggan ang tibok
ng puso ko
bagama't malaya na
sa seldang kinalalagyan
iisa ang isinisigaw,

Ikaw.

31 Marso 1995

2004-01-25T00:07:00.000+08:00

At Pagtuloy ang Pagdaloy

Sa magkabilang dulo ng mundo
Nakaukit ang dalawang damdaming
Pinatibay ng panahon.
Pilit na pinaglalayo ngunit
sadyang naglalapit,
pinagpapala ng tadhana.

Dumadaloy man sa magkabilang dagat
ang agos ng damdamin
patuloy namang naghahanap ng lagusan
ang mga bilanggo,
nagnanais na kumawala sa pagkagapos
nagu-umalpas!

Minimithing masumpungan ang inihihiyaw
ng buong katauhan, ng damdamin.

Di man magkapiling sa ngayon
mananalig pa rin na sa umagang darating
ang agos ng damdamin ay patuloy na dadaloy
hanggang masumpungan nito ang lagusan
patungo sa dagat ng walang hanggang pagmamahalan.

25 Pebrero 2002
15:30

2004-01-24T00:01:00.000+08:00

How Can I?

How can I forget
the sweetness
of your smile,
softness of your lips
the sincere look
in your eyes?

I cannot, I will not.

How can I forget
your body
pressed against mine
skin to skin
flesh to flesh?

I cannot, I will not.

How can I forget
the enduring scent
of your womanhood
filling the air
that I breathe?

I cannot, I will not.

For I will
always remember,
cherish, long for
and wish for you.

Only you Mahal.
Only you.

2004-01-23T00:15:00.000+08:00

In Silence, I Grieve

As I sit here under the moonlit skies
I wonder why we ever have to part
I can feel the pain in my heart
Piercing, striking the very core of my being
For I cannot be with you tonight.
As you lay in your bed with another
My heart bleeds, for I know in your heart
it is me that you love.
Yet you must be with him.
I may be silent, but I am breaking.
I may not show it, but I am crying.
How long do we have to endure this suffering?
Days, months, years, decades may come but I
will go on living, I can bear this suffering.
For I know I will live and see the day when
you will be free from that bondage.
And we will go on living.

2004-01-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

In your Arms, I am Home

Nothing will ever change
the love I feel for you.
Every sunset brings me hope
and a renewed spirit.

For as I lay me down to sleep
your memory keeps me company.
The touch of your hand,
the feel of your embrace,
the warmth of your kiss
the passion of making love.

These and all those wonderful moments
spent only with you keeps me alive.

And as long as butterflies exists in this world
I will be flying, finding my way back home.

In your arms, I shall find rest
my soul will only stop searching
until I find myself in your arms again,
because you are my home.

My only love.

2004-01-21T00:19:00.000+08:00

Kung Minsan

Kung minsan
may pagsubok
na dumarating
pilit na binubuwag
ang haliging pinatatag
ng panahon.
Ilang matinding delubyo
ang pinagdaanan
subalit patuloy pa rin
ang pagdating ng unos,
lindol at baha.

Pilit na ibinubuwal
ang haligi.

Kung minsan
tila ba bumibigay
ang haligi..
subalit sa isang iglap
may kung anong pwersa
ang mistulang naglalapat
humahawak sa haligi
upang di maibuwal ng unos
di matinag ng lindol
di matangay ng baha.

Manatili mang basa ang haligi
dulot ng unos na dumaan,
magdulot man ng bitak
ang lindol na kay lakas,
maglumot man ang haligi
taglay ng bahang nagdaan
mananatili itong nakatayo.

Sapagkat sa pagkakatayo ng haligi
dalawang puso ang pundasyon
tigib ng pagmamahalang
kailanma'y di magwawakas.

Kung minsan
tila ba ganoon
ang tadhana
pipiliting buwagin
ang haligi
ilulugmok sa pagsubok
upang sa uling pagsikat
ng araw
may isang umagang
kay ganda
na magbibigay ng pag-asa
at lalong magpapatatag
sa haligi ng pagmamahalan
nating dalawa.

18 Marso 2002
14:02

2004-01-20T12:15:00.000+08:00

On Love, Technology & LDR

Data transmits at 54kbps
as I lay still, eyes transfixed
at the computer screen
waiting for our time
to finally come.

I constantly tap on my phone's keypad
trying to fit what I feel into 160 characters
definitely trying to bridge the distance
relying on technology to get to you.

The cursor on my PC animates
as I patiently wait..
the sand on the hourglass
constantly falls,
the waiting continues.

Email sent. Message sent.

Technology attempts to bring us closer
at 54kbps, at 160 characters per message
making us believe that it can bridge the gap
the distance between us.

But why do I continuously long for you?
Your smile, your touch, your kiss
the warmth of your embrace
your comforting words.

I miss you.

2004-01-19T12:47:00.000+08:00

Paglisan

sa napipintong paglisan
damdami'y nagpipilit tumutol
nag-uumalpas
nagnanais na manatili
sa 'yong piling
sa init ng iyong dibdib
sa halimuyak ng iyong hininga

pinipilit iwaglit sa isip
ang pagkakalayo
ng dalawang pusong
taimtim na nanalangin
na sa dulo ng mga pangamba
magwawagi pa rin
ang pagmamahalang nadarama

mariin kong ipipikit
aking mga mata
luha'y hahadlangan
sa pagdaloy
pilit na aalalahanin
masasayang araw sa iyong piling

at patuloy na aasa
sa pagdating ng isang bukas
sa pagsikat ng araw

patuloy kitang mamahalin
madurog man ang puso ko
sa pagkakalayo
umaasa akong sa muling
pagbabalik
puso nati'y magniniig
sa tamis ng ligayang dulot
ng walang hanggang pag-ibig.

21 Mayo 2001

2004-01-18T12:49:00.000+08:00

The Journey

Compeletely, I lay down my guards
as I walk through the path
towards our dreams.
With all my heart, I give you my love
as I traverse the unknown road
that leads to your door.
I hold the key to your heart,
This is I know and believe.
The happiness I bring sends forth
overflowing emotions,
they sometimes leave us crying
as we await the fulfillment of our vision.
I will love you forever, hold you close to my heart
as I battle all the hardships life has to bring.
For your endless love gives me comfort and peace
amidst the pain and the suffering,
as the pangs of loneliness
keeps lurking behind my back
as I walk the road that leads to you.
I will love you until my heart stops beating,
and if death should bring me unto your door
a promise I shall made and cast unto the earth.
My soul will seek you wherever you may be,
for my spirit will only rest if you are with me.

2004-01-18T00:38:00.000+08:00

Maghihintay Ako

Maghihintay ako
sa habang panahon
kung 'yun ang nararapat
upang maisakatuparan
ang ating mga pangarap.
Pagmamadali
sa isip ay iwawaglit
at buong pagsuyo
na haharapin ang pagtitiis
ang pagkakalayo
ng ating mga puso.

Lahat ng ito ay aking babatahin
sa paghihintay sa pangakong
sa dulo ng yungib na kay dilim
liwanag na likha ng wagas na pag-ibig
na mula sa ating mga puso
ay matatanaw.

Magniningas ang apoy
sanhi ng lagablab ng ating damdamin
magbibigay liwanag
sa mundo kong kay dilim
dahil sa pangungulila sa iyo..

Ikaw ang ilaw na nagbibigay tanglaw
sa isang kaluluwang ligaw.

Ikaw ang katuparan ng pangarap
ang kabuuan ng aking buhay.

Ikaw ang aking buhay
at hanggang sa huling sandali
maghihintay ako,

Maghihintay ako
sa iyo Mahal ko.

2004-01-17T12:15:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow in your Heart

Look not with hatred, today is here.
Yesterday is history, let it be.
The future lies ahead, tomorrow will come.
And the beauty of life comes dawning
in your eyes, in your heart.

For tomorrow, a part of me will rejoice
as you regain the consciousness of your being.
Of me and you, living together as one.

In union with the universe, our hearts beat.
In rhythmic proportions, in joyful beat.
Thump! Thump! Our heart sings with gladness
as the beauty of the morning unfolds
as we comfort each other through all these madness.

In your arms, I am born again.
In your love, I feel liberty.
Free from the bondage of hatred and fear.
You found me, I embraced you.
And we remain, forever entwined.
Tomorrow and beyond, our hearts beat as one

2004-01-16T00:18:00.000+08:00

Yearning for Tomorrow with You

I am yearning for the day
when I could hold you in my arms
keep you safe from harm
shelter you with the warmth of my love.
Far apart, our love sustains the distance
bridges the gap, fulfills the promise
of a brighter tomorrow in blissful union.
Pain may find its way to my heart
as I feel you crying, longing.
But let me shower you with memories
and dreams of our future together.
Our love will stand the test of time and space.
It is beyond infinity. For our souls are in union
with the universe. Ever since the world began,
you and me are destined to be together.
Let us relive the love we have yesterday,
savor the gift of the present, look forward to the future
as the realization of our union
awaits the day when the universe celebrates
as we become one.

2004-01-15T12:56:00.000+08:00

Walang Pamagat

Kaytagal mo palang
hinintay
ang aking tula.

Kaytagal ko rin
hinintay
na humupa ang galit
sa dibidib ko.

Ang anino ng kamatayan
na laging nakasilip
sa bintana ng aking gunita
ay akin nang iwawaksi
sa isipan, ibabaon sa lupa.

Inakay mo ako
sa isang mundong
puno ng kulay,
pinaghilom ang sugat
na dulot ng nakaraan,
pinuno ng pagmamahal
at pag-unawa
ang pusong sugatan.

Mga tula ng pag-ibig
ay muli kong lilikhain
muling bubuksan ang puso
sa hiwaga ng iyong pagmamahal
dadamhin ang hiwagang dulot
ng pag-ibig natin.

Sa muling pagdatal
ng ligayang inaasam
di na kailanman
hahayaang pumailanlang
sa kawalan
ang pusong hapo
na ibinilanggo ng pangako.

Aking aalagaan
pag-ibig na alay mo
kailanman, saan man
hanggang sa dulo
ng walang hanggan
alalahanin mong taglay
ko ang pangakong ito.

15 Pebrero 2001

2004-01-14T00:23:00.000+08:00

Our Stories

A Kid no More

We've been together since high school. I was 14, she was 16 then. She was the one who taught me how to love. I knew how it is to be loved and to love because of her. Ah, Yna Mikaela. My one great love. My home.

As I key in the letters in my fone's SMS menu, I can't help smiling. I can't get enough of her. Depeche Mode's song keeps on running in my head, I let out a silly grin. She always makes me feel this way. I teased her with my message, almost daring her. And she gamely played along, challenged by my constant prodding.

"Can you keep up with me?" she asked. I teasingly answered, "That's for me to know and for you to find out."

And from then on, I knew everything will be different.

We agreed to meet up at a place where we could spend time alone, by ourselves. I arrived early at the terminal, glancing at my watch, it was only 6:30 in the morning. I am 30 minutes early. I let out a sigh. Can I really do this? I asked myself. I have been physically intimate with one girl in my entire lesbian life. Yna Mikaela doesn't know that. And now, I am almost trembling at the thought of it all. What if I failed to please her? What if she laughs straight to my face? What would I do? A pat on my back jolted me back to reality. I stood in awe as she smiled at me and said, "Let's go?" I nodded, dumbfounded. God, she is beautiful.

The ride was refreshing, with all the scenery along the way, it helped me relax a bit. I was thinking of climbing the summit of the mountain. Can I sustain the hike?

"Hey there poet, where are you?" I looked at her and smiled coyly, "Oh, I am sorry. I was lost in my thoughts." She touched me gently and said, "You're trembling." I felt stupid. I regained consciousness at once and said, "You're beautiful Yna." I watched her as she blushed, shaking her head, "No, look at me I am fat. I'm not the Yna you used to know way back in high school. But thanks, I am glad you think so." I reached for her hand, squeezed it lightly as I smiled at her. My voice lowered, "You are beautiful and I am going to make you believe that you are." My eyes looked straight in hers.

We got off the bus and walked hand in hand, straight to the reserved room. I took one look at her, smiled and winked without saying a word. After locking the door, my hands moves to her neck, gently massaging. I watched her close her eyes. I couldn't believe that I am with her. I have longed for her my entire life, resigned to the fact that I cannot have her. For she has already tied the knot. But here I am, with her. Alone. I run my fingers through her hair, moved closer as I inhaled her scent. I miss her so much, I still remember her scent. Her scent that I have always dreamed of, searched for, yet never found in another. She leans her head back while releasing a soft moan. That made me feel relieved. It encouraged me to continue. And I did.

Slowly, I gazed into her eyes, waiting for her move. That certain look gave herself away, and I gently kissed her. Parting her lips with my tongue. Teasing her with my feather like kisses, until she couldn't take it anymore. She pulled me back onto her, as our tongue fooled around. Finally, I allowed my fingers to run through the curves of her body. My eyes travel down her body, and saw the twin mountains that I wish to climb. Again, the question in my mind bothered me, "Can I do it? Can I sustain it?" Her nipples were erect, begging to be touched. I bit my lip and run my tongue over it. Anticipating the moment I take them with my parted lips. And willingly, I obliged.

Hours passed, my chest was still heaving as I rappeled down the mountains and swam the lovestream that flowed ever so openly. As I reached the shore, I let out a contented sigh. Smiling, I threw myself at the waiting sand. Lying on my back, I can still taste the
waves of pleasure that swept me off my feet. Aaaahh..

I can still remember what Yna Mikaela whispered in my ear before she dozed off to sleep in my arms. "You're not a kid anymore. I don't see you as one after what you made me feel tonight."

I looked at her deep in her sleep smiling. Gently, I touched her and said "I love you. Always have, always will." And then I closed my eyes, at long last, I'm a kid no more in her eyes.

2004-01-13T00:31:00.000+08:00

The Dance

Being single and free take it's toll on anybody, just like now. Sure, I long for the excitement of being in a serious relationship. But I guess I've been hurt a couple of times and it takes a lot of effort on my part to start trusting again. Tonight though, I just want to be in the company of friends.

So, I set out to party along with my friends. We arrived at D'Scene just in time. The party was just starting to level-up. We went straight to the dance floor, I hate the thought of hanging out with strangers. Often than not, I get to draw attention from strangers at a party. That's why I always like to move whenever I'm into one. Like now, I just want to dance.

Suddenly, a swarm of cute butches came into our group. Damn! I don't want to be rude, I managed to smile at them and then continued dancing. She's cute, I told myself as I looked at my dancing partner. Hmmm.. not that bad, so we chatted while dancing. Does it ever occur to you how hard it is to talk while on the dance floor? But I have to enjoy myself or else this partying would all be in vain.

I happen to glance at the table near us, and boy was I surpised to see a familiar face. No, not simply familiar. She was someone special to me. Abie. She used to be "the one." I checked to see whom she's with, and I set a sigh of relief when I recognized Conz beside her. Then she noticed I was looking at her, I just nodded at her and looked at my dancing partner. That was close.

I decided to take a break. I excused myself and headed for an empty table. My dancing partner followed me, ordered a drink and then started a conversation. Oh well, here we go again. Then my friends arrived in time. Thank God! I don't want to be stuck in a conversation with a stranger all night. My friends were giddy, and one of them managed to get a glimpse of Abie who's table was just across our table. As expected, my friend found her cute and wanted to meet her. So she asked me, "Do you know the cute one across the table? The one wearing a black long sleeved shirt with glasses?" I had to clear a lump on my throat as I said, "Yes." She got excited as she prodded me to introduce her to Abie.

"Please, I'd do anything you want. Just introduce me to her!"

"Do it yourself. If you really like her, go get her."

And that's what she did, what a flirt! Hmp! Funny, I still get affected by the thought that somebody is attracted to her. "This isn't a good sign", I told myself as I looked at my friend approach her. Abie is still as polite as she used to be, when my friend asked her to dance she obliged. I can feel my heart pounding as they head on to the dance floor. I can't help but look at them on the dance floor. And I must admit, I felt jealous. Damn!

After the dance, Abie escorted my friend back to the table. My friend introduced Abie to the rest of us.

"And this is Aileen, I believe you two know each other."

Abie just looked straight into my eye, smiled and then said "Yes."

She turned to me and said "How are you? It's been a long time."

I said poker-faced, "I'm okay. Perfectly okay."

She then reached out for my hand and said "Can I dance with you?"

I must admit I don't have the power to turn her down, I just got up took her hand and followed her lead. As I looked back, my friend was fuming by the recent development. She made faces at me as I walk along with Abie to the dance floor.

When we got there, a slow music started to play. "Yeah right, perfect timing," I murmured to myself. She must've heard it because she let out a naughty smile, "You were saying?"

"Nothing, could we just dance?" I said.

"Ok."

Abie held me close and her face brushed against my cheek. I can feel my hands trembling, my heart almost skipping a beat as she held me close to her. I can feel her breathing in my ear.. then suddenly she said "I miss you."

She looked straight in my eye and then said, "I love you."

The next thing I knew we were at the dance floor kissing passionately as the onlookers cheered on.

Yes, she's still the one. No matter what I do, no matter how I try to fight it she will always be the one.